Sometimes I have to remind myself that staying at home is the right thing to do. Homemaking can be rough - some days are better than others.
When I was younger I had all of these goals and aspirations for my life - being a mother was always at the top of the list. Some days, lately, I find myself asking, "So now what?" I am a mother to a beautiful 7 month old girl. She is my world, my absolute everything. Of course I stay home now to care for her, to support her, love her and be everything that she needs. But, now what? What do I do for me now? And why do I always feel so selfish when I think about it?
Yes, homemaking is rough. I take pride in a clean, organized home - but how much joy am I supposed to render from doing the dishes, laundry, vacuuming and cooking day in and day out? Am I a bad mother and wife for not loving it every day? Am I a bad LDS woman because sometimes I wonder if this is all my life is really supposed to be about? Now, don't worry - I know all the great importance that Heavenly Father places on the role of mothers. And I completely agree that it is best for Ellinor to have me home caring for her rather than someone else. I would never choose anyone else to raise my daughter - I love her and being with her way too much for that. There is no danger of me turning my back on the homemaker path - but is it OK that I'm not always completely fulfilled by that path?
I know that motherhood is not just defined by the tasks of a homemaker. I'm well aware that I have the most important job, along with my husband, of molding this wonderful spirit into a lovely, accomplished, happy member of our society. I do not take this lightly. My own mother has always been a dynamic woman in my eyes - she has taught me so much, and most all of it had absolutely nothing to do with what our house looked like or what she cooked for dinner. Those days are coming for me - and things will probably be different when they are here.
Sometimes only having a 7 month old at home leaves you a lot of pondering time. This happens to be what's on my mind lately. I remain stranded in Eagle Mountain, UT in the land of poo and housework. I love my home, I love my family, and I do love my life. If only I could be like those perfect mothers who live for cooking for their families and driving carpool. Me? I'm just going to have to figure out how to be myself in this new realm. Thank goodness this is the hardest challenge in my life right now - I have nothing to complain about. Always counting my numerous blessings!
That is one thing that I'm scared of. Of course I want to become a mother. It is just that I have spent years becoming who I am, so it is a little scary to think of how a little child could change that. I look forward to being a mom, but I still want to be me. Is there anything that you would want to do? Write a book, volunteer, be on some committee, or something? Have you thought about finishing your degree, or did you do that already without me knowing? Let me know what you figure out because I'll be coming to you for advice when I am a mother.
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